


The Book That Is My Memory

by ShayneyL



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e11 Latent Image, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Prompt Fic, Whumptober 2020, reluctant bedrest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27272848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShayneyL/pseuds/ShayneyL
Summary: Tom Paris has to tell Harry Kim that he's alive because Ahni Jetal is dead.Set during "Latent Image."
Relationships: Harry Kim & Tom Paris
Comments: 12
Kudos: 22
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	The Book That Is My Memory

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Whumptober prompt #29, "Reluctant Bedrest."

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ: *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

Tom stood at Harry's bedside, trying not to look at the other biobed…the empty one. Ahni was so young and beautiful and vibrant; she didn't deserve to die. Part of Tom cried for her loss. But part of him, the selfish part of him, could only think, _Thank God it wasn't Harry_.

Tom hated working as a medic. It had been assigned as a punishment. He'd rather fly. But if his presence here in sickbay had saved Harry's life, then it was all worthwhile.He remembered his words to the doctor: _Then choose one, before we lose them both!_ It had taken everything in him not to beg for Harry over Ahni, but he hadn't. Why had the the Doctor picked Harry instead of Ahni? Because Harry was senior staff? Because he knew Harry better? Or because he knew Harry was Tom's best friend?

Tom closed his eyes, shuddering. What if the doctor had chosen Ahni? Tom knew he wouldn't have been able to resist pleading for Harry's life instead. Would he have been able to assist in saving Ensign Jetal's life while Harry lay dying only a couple of meters away? Did the doctor wonder that himself, before making his decision?

"Tom…what's wrong?"

Tom opened his eyes. Harry was finally awake, looking up at Tom through a haze of painkillers and other drugs. "Nothing, I'm fine," Tom said. "How do you feel?"

"How is she?" Harry asked.

Jetal, he must mean. Tom hesitated, wondering if he should lie or try to put Harry off. But Harry read the truth in his face. "No," he said.

Tom gently stroked the hair back from his friend's forehead. "Harry…she didn't make it. But please, don't worry, you're going to be just fine. You just need to rest. Please, stay calm."

Harry blinked, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry, Tom," he whispered. "I know you really liked her."

_Not as much as I like you_. "Shhh, Har, don't worry. It will be all right. Just rest."

* * *

Tom was in the office doing paperwork when an alarm went off. He panicked for a brief moment when he saw the readouts from the biobed were all dead, then realized that there was no way they could possibly be that dead, that quickly. Harry must have gotten out of bed.

Tom raced out into the ward. Sure enough, Harry was standing beside the bed. Well, trying to stand.

"Harry," Tom scolded. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Going to the bathroom," Harry said.

"Har, we have ways of taking care of that. You don't have to—"

"I'm not that sick." Harry's mouth had that stubborn set to it.

"You can hardly stand up!"

"I'm going to use the head."

Tom gave up. "All right, I'll go with you."

Harry glared at him. "What are you going to do, hold it for me?"

"If necessary."

"I don't need help."

"Yes, you do."

Harry began staggering toward the bathroom; Tom put an arm around him to steady him. They came to an agreement; Harry could use the bathroom himself, if he left the door open.

Tom stood in the doorway, watching over his charge. Harry definitely wasn't ready to be up. He was leaning heavily against the sink while he washed his hands. Then he caught a glimpse of his face in mirror, and froze. The usually even complexion was a mix of pale patches, angry red blotches, and sections of peeling skin.

"Don't worry," Tom said. "You suffered some really deep burns, but it will heal. You'll be your handsome self again, it'll just take awhile."

"Cancel my music lesson with Naomi," Harry said. "She'll have nightmares for weeks if she sees me like this."

"You already missed it. You've been unconscious for three days." Harry was starting to sway on his feet, and Tom ushered him back to his bed.

"Three days? It can't be. If it was that bad, it would be the Doctor here, not you."

The truth was, the Doctor was no longer stable. Losing Ensign Jetal had been a severe stress on his programming, and for now, he wasn't to be trusted with patients. Tom didn't want to tell Harry that, though. He had a feeling Harry wouldn't take it well, finding out he was alive because Jetal was dead.

"The Doctor is…unavailable right now. I'm afraid you're stuck with me."

"Is he with another patient?" Harry asked, obviously worried that someone was more seriously injured than he was.

"No," Tom said. "There's…a problem with his program."

"Oh. What's wrong? Maybe I can fix it."

"No, Harry, you're off duty and on mandatory bed rest. B'Elanna's working on it now. Don't worry about it." Tom made a mental note to tell B'Elanna not to let Harry work. She tended to forget not everyone had her stamina.

"I can work from my bed."

"Rest, Harry. Don't make me give you a sedative."

"You wouldn't," Harry said.

Tom was tempted, if only so he wouldn't have to ask any more questions about the Doctor and Ensign Jetal. But he was pretty sure it wasn't necessary. Harry was far from recovered, and would probably fall sleep again very quickly. He tried to be soothing. "Just relax. Everything's okay."

"When can I go back on duty?"

Tom didn't bother to answer. Harry was looking drowsy already; he yawned, and his eyes slid shut.

Tom watched Harry sleep, frowning. What was he going to tell him?

* * *

Nothing, it turned out. For 18 months.

It wasn't the evidence of unremembered surgery that bothered Harry; apparently, he'd been in sickbay so often, he didn't remember every treatment. It was not being part of the repair team that irked him.

"I think the captain's unhappy with my work," Harry said, poking morosely at the food on his plate. Tom wasn't sure if it was oatmeal or scrambled eggs; it was hard to tell, at least when Neelix made them. "She's having B'Elanna and Seven work on the Doctor's holomatrix today, not me."

Harry was usually the one who helped B'Elanna with holomatrix work, but Tom understood why he wasn't included this time. "It's your day off, enjoy it."

"Maybe I should volunteer for more night shifts."

Yikes, Harry worked enough extra hours as it was. "You're fine, Harry. The captain doesn't think you should work more."

"How do you know?"

It was time to tell him. Long past, actually. "Let's go somewhere private to talk."

They went to Tom's quarters. He replicated some hot beignets and cafe au lait; they hadn't eaten much breakfast, and it wasn't very good today anyway.

"That bad, huh?" Harry said, looking at the treats as Tom laid them out on the coffee table.

"What?" Tom said. He sat beside Harry on the couch.

"You always try to soften bad news with food."

"That obvious?" He took a bite of a sugary beignet, and washed it down with the milky coffee.

"Tell me."

"The reason the captain didn't ask you to help today is because you're part of the reason the Doctor needs fixing."

"Me?" Clearly, that was the last thing Harry was expecting.

"You remember Ahni Jetal."

"I thought her death was the reason the Doctor's holomatrix destabilized. He was upset at losing her." The captain had told the crew not to mention Jetal to the Doctor, so Harry knew that much.

"He's lost many patients, Harry. The reason he destabilized…" Tom tried to think of a diplomatic way to put it, but couldn't. "He had to choose between you and Jetal, and chose you."

Harry turned pale. "Ahni died because of me?"

"No! You were both dying. He could only save one of you. He has an elaborate triage decision matrix, but you and Jetal were identical in your chances of survival, expected lifespan, and every other factor. He was torn."

"So why'd he pick me?" Harry looked like he might be sick.

"I don't know. He doesn't, either. Though…it might be my fault. I was supposed to be assisting him, and he probably knew I wouldn't be much help if you were dying on the next bed."

"God." Harry buried his face in his hands.

"Harry?" Tom put his arm around Harry's shoulders. Harry shoved it away.

"And you only told me now? Over a year later? Damn it, Tom. I'm not a child."

"I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. It's just…you were really in bad shape. I didn't want to upset you at first. Then you ended up almost dying again after our encounter with Species 8472, and, well, it never seemed like the right time. Until it was too late."

"I'm never going to be able to show my face in Engineering again. Ahni's friends must hate me."

"Umm….they don't know." Harry had missed the announcement of Jetal's death, as well as the funeral. They'd happened while he was still in sickbay. "The captain didn't share the details, just said that the Doctor had been unable to save her." Tom took a deep breath, then plowed ahead. "It's probably best if you don't tell them."

Harry stared at him, an array of emotions flashing across his face. Then he put his head in his hands again.

"Harry? Harry, I'm sorry."

No response.

"Harry? Forgive me?"

Harry raised his head. "I guess I can't blame you," he said. "Now that I know…I kind of wish I didn't."

Tom put his arm around Harry again. This time, Harry accepted it.

**Author's Note:**

> I always thought it was weird and improbable, that Janeway managed to keep Ahni Jetal's very existence secret from the Doctor for 18 months.
> 
> And Harry clearly didn't have a clue. He didn't seem to remember any surgery, and Harry "read me like a book" Kim is a terrible liar. Also, if he did know, and was putting on an act, you'd think he'd have reported it to Janeway, but he obviously didn't. We basically never see him again. Leaving open the possibility — likelihood, even — that they lied to Harry, as well as to the Doctor.


End file.
